Kiss
Puke
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
