Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
This is not my ceiling
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize