I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
