Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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