I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
