call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
