do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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