Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How does one acquire holy water?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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