I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
