were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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