I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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