apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
