his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I need a beard to bite.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
