There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
