I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
