Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
