I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
