The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
