Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
