Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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