The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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