My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am one with the molecules
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
