The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
