just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
