I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
