When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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