So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
