the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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