totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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