Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
