And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
