dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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