He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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