i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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