I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
