So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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