I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
