Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
