i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
pray to the hookup gods
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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