there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
