I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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