I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
