tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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