dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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