after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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