You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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