Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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