She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
