So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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