Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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